


Mamihlapinatapai

by LaylaTheChip



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Don't Let The Tags Scare You, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotions, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Shirabu has abandonment issues, Trust Issues, its not that bad i promise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-11
Updated: 2020-09-11
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:20:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,564
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26399317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LaylaTheChip/pseuds/LaylaTheChip
Summary: mamihlapinatapai(Noun) Two people looking at each other each hoping the other will do what both desire but neither is willing to do
Relationships: Semi Eita/Shirabu Kenjirou
Comments: 7
Kudos: 88





	Mamihlapinatapai

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to Layla projects her problems on to Shirabu!

Shirabu Kenjirou was made of smoke. Suffocating, filling Semi’s lungs and staining them black. But he was morbidly addicting, in a way that had his eyes following him whenever he was in the room. But like smoke, Shirabu was always slipping through his fingers, always there, but never tangible enough to grasp. Regardless, Semi had always known, he was helplessly in love with him. 

~~~

Semi Eita was made of pure electricity. Loud and crackling, bright and terrifying, but mesmerizing in a way that took Shirabu’s breath away every time their eyes met. And just like electricity, he knew if he wasn’t careful he would get zapped. And despite everything, Shirabu was beginning to think, he might be in love with him. 

~~~

Semi had noticed pretty early on that Shirabu wasn’t at practice. If the lack of sarcastic respect was any indication, Semi was used to his natural tendency to look for Shirabu in the room. The thought crossed his mind that he might be skipping, but that didn’t seem fitting to his competitive, hot-headed attitude. Semi was brought back to reality through the waving of hands in front of his face.

“Earth to Semi-Semi,” Tendou’s obnoxious voice rang out from beside him. “What's got you so distraught?” He continued to wave his taped fingers in front of his face till Semi opted for slapping them away.   
“I am not _distraught_ ” He scoffed, “I was just wondering where Shirabu is.” Tendou had a scheming sort of face as he gave Semi a rough pat on the back.

“How sickeningly sweet of you Semi-Semi. he’s out sick today. He caught a cold.” And before Semi could berate Tendou for the nickname, he was slipping away to go talk to Taichi across the room. 

Semi let out a withering sigh as he picked up a ball and got ready to serve. 

~~~

Shirabu woke up to the sound of his phone buzzing on his bedside table, feeling like someone had poured molasses into his limbs. He groaned, reaching blindly till his hand grazed his phone.

Squinting at the screen due to its brightness, Shirabu saw a message from his fellow second year and friend, Taichi. 

**Taichi:** Your family is out of town right? Do you want someone to drop by and check on you?

Shirabu thought about it briefly before deciding that he could use some company seeing as it’s quite boring doing nothing but wallowing in your own self pity and sickness, and sending a quick reply. 

**Shirabu:** Yeah, I guess that would be fine. Bring notes from class today.

**Taichi:** Alright, leave your door unlocked.

Shirabu turned back over, falling back into a restless sleep unaware of when his phone buzzed once again a few minutes later. 

~~~

Semi had been just about to leave practice, ready to go home and finally relax when he was stopped by his underclassman Taichi on the way out. 

“Semi-san, can I ask you a favor?” Semi internally groaned.

“Sure. What is it?” 

“Well you know how Shirabu is sick?” Semi nodded, “Well his parents are out of town and I said i’d drop by to check on him but something came up so I was wondering if you could?” Taichi scratched the back of his head consciously as Semi let out a withering sigh. The thought crossed his mind to just tell him to ask someone else but Semi’s mom instincts™ wouldn’t let him say no.

“Yeah yeah fine. Just make sure you actually can next time you agree to do something like that.” Taichi smiled apologetically before remembering something and digging a notebook out of his bag and handing it to Semi. “Class notes,” He said by way of explanation. 

Semi showed up at Shirabu’s door not much later. He gave the door a few quick knocks before realizing that it was unlocked and letting himself in. The house smelt unmistakably like  _ shirabu,  _ the minty lavender scent that Semi could always smell, if Shirabu allowed him close enough. 

“Shirabu?” He called out. When he got no response, Semi carefully headed up the stairs before finding what looked to be Shirabu’s bedroom. He knocked on the door, knowing he was correct when he heard a groan from the other side. 

“Taichi? You can come in.” It was then that Semi realized Shirabu hadn’t quite gotten the memo that he was coming, but Semi stepped through the door anyways. 

“Actually, something came up so I came instead.” At the sound of his voice, Shirabu’s head whipped around from where it was buried in his bedsheets only to be quickly returned. Something had looked different from the normal Shirabu, Semi noticed, other than the  _ obvious  _ from being sick. 

“Semi? Why are  _ you  _ here?” Shirabu asked, voice muffled. After staring at the back of his head for longer than necessary Semi realized what had been so different in the split second he had seen Shirabu’s face. 

“Shirabu, you have  _ freckles _ ?” The person in question tensed at the accusation before huffing and sitting up in bed. 

“You tell anybody and you’re dead.” Though Shirabu’s voice lacked any real malice

“How did I never notice before?” 

“Because I covered them up of course.” Semi stared for a tense few seconds until Shirabu spoke again “Just get it all out now, It’s fine make fun of me all you want.” 

“What?” Semi said, confusion seeping onto his face.

“Go ahead, tell me how dumb I look with these stupid freckles  _ It’s fine _ ” Semi finally realized what Shirabu was saying. But not really. How  _ could  _ he tease him for the light brown freckles spotting his face? the clusters that got more concentrated around his cheekbones and got thinner as they dotted around the bridge of his nose. All he could think looking at him was that he was somehow even more beautiful than usual. 

Semi watched as the expression on Shirabu’s face got redder by the second only to realize he had said that last bit out loud. 

“What did you just say?” Shirabu sounded outraged but his voice was betrayed by the expression on his face. 

“I said they’re beautiful,” Semi smiled at how Shirabu’s face somehow became a darker shade of red before he suddenly burst into a coughing fit that had Semi scrambling to set the class notes on the bedside table to rub his back. 

“I-I’m fine,” Shirabu said between coughs,to which Semi only raised an eyebrow. 

“Have you taken any medicine?” At the shake of his head Semi stood up “Where is it? You should take something for your cold,” Once Shirabu’s cough had died down he told Semi where there might be some sort of cold medicine.

~~~

Shirabu waited until he was sure Semi was out of earshot before screaming into a pillow, which his already sore throat protested to. Semi’s words repeated in his head.

_ They’re beautiful.  _ It was a lie! A cruel joke at his expense. Why would  _ Semi Eita _ of all people think he was  _ beautiful?  _ He scoffed to himself. He didn’t care, despite what the lingering flush on his cheeks may suggest. 

When Semi finally came back, Shirabu had propped himself up against the back of his bed fighting the everpresent urge to keep his face out of sight. 

“Here,” He handed him a cup of purple syrup. “How come you only have children's medicine?” 

~~~

Shirabu mumbled a response way too quiet for Semi to understand. “What was that?” He asked to which Shirabu gave him a cold glare.

“I  _ said  _ I can’t swallow pills so we have to get liquid and tablets for everything, you ass,” He hissed through clenched teeth. Semi had to hold back a laugh at Shirabu’s frustrated expression.

“You can’t swallow pills? Why not?” Shirabu let out a loud groan. 

“Everyone always asks me that! I don’t know, I just  _ can’t.”  _

“Oh, Well that’s okay I guess. Now are you going to drink that or not?” Semi said, gesturing to the cold medicine still held in Shirabu’s hand. Shirabu looked confused for a moment before looking down at his hand, seemingly out of it enough to have forgotten. He tossed his head back downing the thick purple syrup in one gulp before scrunching his nose in a way that Semi could only think to call adorable.

“Have you eaten anything today?” He asked as he took the empty container from Shirabu’s hand. He made a disgusted expression. 

“I’d rather carve my own heart out with a dull spork then try to eat anything right now.” Semi snorted, which earned him a quick glare. 

“You need to eat  _ something.  _ Do you mind if I use the kitchen? I’ll make something light,” Shirabu let out a huff, before flopping back into bed and mumbling a quick.

“Do whatever you want, Semi” Semi smiled triumphantly,

“Okay! You stay here and rest,” And with that he left for the kitchen.

~~~

_ Wait,  _ Shirabu wanted to call out.  _ Don’t leave me.  _ He buried his head in his pillow, chastising himself for thinking such selfish things. Anyways, Semi was only going to the kitchen, it wasn’t like he was leaving. 

_ But what if he is?  _ Shirabu wanted to cover his ears, but nothing can block the thoughts in your head.  _ What if that was only an excuse so that he could make an escape?  _ Not like it should matter, Shirabu didn’t care. He could take care of himself, he didn’t need stupid Semi, and his stupid tip-dyed hair, and his stupid perfect smile and- He cut himself off before  _ that  _ train of thought could go any further.

Shirabu sighed and pulled his comforter up to his shoulders trying his best to fall back asleep.  _ Why would he stay? Why would anyone?  _ He sniffled, he was just emotional because he was sick, he reasoned with himself. Anyways, it was selfish of him to wish for people to stay,  _ Selfish.  _

Before he knew it, Shirabu felt tears streaming down his face, he felt so stupid, and so so alone. But that was best wasn’t it? Hoping someone will care only gets you hurt in the end. 

Despite everything, Shirabu found himself making his way downstairs,  _ sure  _ that Semi would no longer be there. He was tired and dizzy, black creeping in the corners of his vision.

~~~

Semi had been cooking when he heard a noise, a thump, and was immediately filled with concern.  _ Had Shirabu dropped something?  _ He set down what he was doing, deciding to go check on him. It didn’t take long for him to discover what had made the noise when he found Shirabu sitting awkwardly on the stairs, tears streaming down his face.

“Shirabu? What happened?” Semi couldn’t keep the concern out of his voice. Shirabu looked up through his eyelashes, a relieved look on his face. He tried standing only for his knees to buckle. Semi caught him. Lowering him back down gently. 

“Semi-san? You’re still here?” He sniffed, 

“Of course I am…? I wouldn’t just leave you here.” Shirabu looked as if he didn’t believe him but didn’t argue, the tears streaming down his face at a steady pace. He buried his head in his arms, avoiding Semi’s eyes. 

“Hey,” Semi shook his shoulder lightly, “I’m going to carry you back upstairs, okay?” Shirabu nodded lazily, as Semi crouched down, situating Shirabu to where his arms encircled his neck and his legs hooked around his waist. 

“Hold on, okay?” Shirabu made a noncommittal sound before burying his face in the crook of Semi’s neck. 

“Don’t leave me,” He mumbled, quiet enough for Semi to doubt if he had heard it at all. 

~~~

The tears didn’t stop, even when Semi gently laid Shirabu back into his bed. Semi sat on the edge looking at him with worry.  _ He hated it.  _ He felt weak and pathetic as he curled up, avoiding Semi’s eyes in favor of pulling the comforter over his head. 

“I’m gonna go get your food before it gets cold, okay? I’ll be right back.” Semi stood, making his way to the door, waiting for Shirabu’s nod of confirmation to leave the room. While he waited he tried his best to find a somewhat comfortable position before giving up and propping himself up against his pillows once again. 

Food still didn’t sound all that appetizing, but when Semi re-entered the room with some scrambled eggs, he took the plate with minimal complaints. 

“Eggs?” He raised an eyebrow in Semi’s general direction.

“I’m not a very good cook,” Shirabu chuckled, his voice still thick with emotion

“I can tell,” He started eating regardless.

“Like you could do better,” Semi scoffed. 

“I probably could to be honest,” 

“Oh shut it.” Shirabu was beginning to calm down. The banter was helping. Though it didn’t last long until Semi went back to worrying. 

“What’s wrong? I know it’s not just that you’re sick, something is wrong.” Stupid Semi and his stupid need to  _ care.  _

“It’s nothing important.” He spat, meaner than intended, but whatever would get his point across that he didn’t want to talk about it. Semi gave him an unconvinced look.

“I’ll drop it  _ for now  _ but we’re gonna talk about this later. I’m going to clean the kitchen, it won’t take long.” 

“No-” Shirabu exclaimed, louder than intended. He could already feel the tears springing back to his eyes.  _ Damn his dumb sickness making it hard to keep it together.  _ “Don’t...leave me” he finished quietly. Silently, Semi sat next to his bed once again. 

“I won't,” He said, a small smile playing on his lips as he took Shirabu’s hand in his own. “I’ll stay right here.” Shirabu closed his eyes taking a deep breath as Semi examined their threaded fingers, the matching calluses from excessive setting. 

“Can I ask you something, Semi-san?” Shirabu said, hesitantly. 

“You just did,” Semi pointed out. “But yeah, sure,” He amended at his underclassmen’s disapproving look. 

“Doesn’t it get tiring being so...present?” Semi seemed to think for a moment before answering. 

“Doesn’t it get tiring always slipping away?” Shirabu’s eyes widened just slightly.

“I don’t ‘slip away’ ” He scoffed. 

“Maybe not always literally but when you start getting close with people you get this distant look in your eyes, like you’ve completely checked out.” Shirabu looked anywhere but at Semi. 

“It’s better this way,” He mumbled, “No one can leave if they were never there in the first place. I can take care of myself, I don’t need  _ anyone _ .” He couldn’t keep the bitterness from his tone, startling when he felt a hand grab his chin lighty, turning his head till he was face-to-face with Semi. Semi had an expression Shirabu couldn’t quite place, but it almost resembled...guilt? 

“Where is this coming from?” Semi dropped his hand from Shirabu’s jaw in favor of taking his hand again and squeezing it lightly. It was meant as comfort but Shirabu felt uneasy as tears clouded his vision. 

“That’s not important.” He said curtly. 

“Kenjirou,” Semi still had the same intense expression on his face. And Shirabu shuddered at the use of his given name. 

“I mean why would anyone stay? I’m not all that special in the first place. I mean even my own  _ family _ didn’t like me enough,” Shirabu regretted the words as soon as they left his mouth.  _ Semi would use them against him, tell everyone, then they would all leave too _ . But one look at the soft expression on his face told Shirabu that he didn’t have to worry about that. 

The ash blond cupped Shirabu’s jaw gently and Shirabu found himself melting into the touch. How long had it been since someone had consoled him like that? Silent tears slipped down his cheeks and Semi brushed them away with his thumb.

“Stay… please,” Shirabu found himself mumbling. 

“I’m right here,” Semi whispered back 

“You’re right here,” He repeated, testing the words on his tongue. He found that he liked the idea of that. Semi staying by his side. but he had always known that hadn’t he?

~~~

Shirabu walked into practice with a knot in his stomach. It was his first time coming to practice after having (kind of) gotten over his sickness, and though he should probably still be in bed, the thought of falling behind both in his classes and in volleyball was enough to have him hurrying back. 

He met Semi’s eyes almost as if they had both been looking for each other, and the knowing look in them made him feel as if he was going to be scolded for being back so soon, but the expression soon softened as Semi approached him. 

“Hey Shirabu, how are you feeling?”  _ Don’t bring it up, don’t bring it up, don’t bring it up  _ his mind seemed to chant. Seeing as they had both neglected to mention anything that had happened when Semi came to visit him. 

“I feel fine, Semi-san,” Shirabu said, putting extra effort into keeping his face placid. He nodded unbelieving,

“Can I talk to you after practice?”  _ No  _ He wanted to say, but instead he just nodded slowly.

“Sure.” He muttered, before stalking away. 

~~~

Semi stared after Shirabu as he walked away, the only thing he truly registered was the blank look in his face. The emotional walls Semi had gotten so used to looking out for. Though this time they were there from the moment Shirabu had walked into the room. His expression portraying close to nothing, almost as if his mind were completely blank. But Semi knew better then that, knowing Shirabu enough to know the gears in his head never stopped turning,  _ constantly  _ thinking and thinking and thinking. It must be exhausting being Shirabu, Semi mused. 

He wanted to tell Shirabu he was okay, that he was safe. Let him lay his head on his lap as Semi’s fingers carded through copper hair. He wanted to see Shirabu doze off without a worry plaguing his mind. 

Semi was startled out of his thoughts when a volleyball landed too close to him for comfort. He sighed, forced to  _ actually  _ practice. 

~~~

Shirabu had felt like practice had only lasted minutes, his mind plagued with worry of what Semi would say. He had already gone through the what-ifs a million times and found himself regretting being so weak in front of his annoying upperclassman. A part of him had hoped that Semi would forget, but that was shot down the second he left the building, finding Semi waiting outside. 

“Semi-san,” He nodded in acknowledgement. 

“Let’s walk,” Semi turned to face him, “I know a nice park we can go to,” Shirabu felt his heart beat getting faster as they walked side-by-side.  _ It almost felt like a date,  _ but he shook that thought off as soon as it came. 

They soon arrived at a peaceful looking park, seemingly empty, and Semi directed them to sit on a bench. They sat there wordlessly, Shirabu inhaling the fresh air through his still kind of stuffy nose. 

~~~

Shirabu looked so different without freckles. It was the first thing Semi had noticed once he had a chance to really look at him. He took a chance to look at him again, studying the curve of his jaw as Shirabu stared off into space, his mind still looking like it was going a mile a minute. 

“Are you going to just stare at me or are you going to tell me what you want?” Shirabu turned to look him in the eyes. Semi scoffed, trying to keep the red from his face. 

“Brat..” He muttered. “I think you know what I want to talk about,” Shirabu’s smirking expression turned cold.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” He said. Shirabu speak for  _ I don’t want to talk about it.  _ But Semi wasn’t just going to let this go, it hurt him greatly to see Shirabu in pain, even if he was just sick, he knew the emotions weren’t new, they had just sprouted up when he was too weak to fight them off

“ _ Kenjirou”  _ Semi said softly, reaching out a hand, surprised when it was smacked away. Shirabu stood up walking a reasonable distance away from the bench. 

“No! You don’t get to do this! You don’t get to just pretend to  _ care,  _ or just use my first name, Stop it! I don’t want to talk about it, I made a mistake, I talked too much. It was  _ nothing  _ Semi-san, now if you’re done trying to ‘help me’” Shirabu did air quotes around the statement. “Then I would appreciate it if you would just forget it.”

Semi was shocked. He had never seen that kind of outburst from Shirabu. 

“Kenj- Shirabu, you can trust me, I promise.” He held out a hand. Shirabu’s cold expression went soft, vulnerable. 

“What if I don’t want to?” He whispered, voice thick with emotion. 

“You’re scared, I understand… But you can’t go your whole life without getting close with anyone.” Semi reached out a hand, looking at Shirabu for confirmation, when he slowly nodded, Semi softly grabbed his wrist pulling him back down to the bench next to him. 

Shirabu hesitantly leaned his head into the crook of Semi’s neck.

“Semi?” The older of the two nodded. “Thanks,” Semi found himself smiling. 

“We are going to talk about this, okay? But only when you’re ready.” 

~~~

Why did Semi have to be so nice?  _ Why? Why? Why?  _ The alarms in his head were all screaming, Semi’s arm around his shoulders, Semi’s voice calling out to him,  _ Semi.  _ Shirbau felt as if he could countdown the seconds till everything went wrong, Why was his head like this?  _ Why did nobody ever want to stay?  _

“Shirabu…” Semi’s voice came quietly. The person in question let out a shaky breath. “I’m right here,” Shirabu let out a startled laugh, too forced to give off anything but panic.

“Yeah, You’re right here,” But Shirabu was afraid, and he just hoped he could hold on enough not to retreat into his own head. 

~~~

It had been weeks since Semi and Shirabu’s rendezvous at the park, Semi had made a point to visit Shirabu’s house whenever possible and Shirabu found himself almost enjoying the company. He was scared of the things Semi made him feel, they were new, unknown. He felt as if he were being asked to jump into a sea of black, not knowing what was at the bottom. 

Semi and Shirabu were studying together, curled up next to one another on the sofa, mostly in silence except for when one of them felt like making a snarky comment the the other. Shirabu felt calm, but he knew he could only put off talking about how he felt for so long. 

“Semi?” he said quietly, crawling over to where he sat. Semi made a noncommittal noise, scribbling a few things in his notebook before looking up, a twinge of concern in his eyes. 

“I-” Shirabu found himself at a loss for words, Semi’s chocolate brown eyes boring holes into him. He squirmed where he was sat, feeling panic rise in his chest. Semi seemed to understand, silently threading their fingers together.  _ What was this? How did Semi feel for him?  _ Shirabu was so confused, but looking at the expression on the other’s face eased away a few of those worries. 

“I want to talk about..  _ It,”  _ He hoped Semi understood what he was referring to and let out a sigh of relief when his upperclassman nodded. 

“Sure, whenever you’re ready.” Shirabu went silent, looking at the ground to collect his thoughts.

“Okay,” He sighed, “I was raised to be very...independent. My parents are  _ busy  _ people, and so they never really had time for me as a kid, and from the time I was old enough, they were always on business trips. Even before that I had my older sister…” 

~~~

Semi’s face morphed into one of surprise, seeing as it was probably his first time hearing that Shirabu even  _ had  _ a sister. 

“Why isn’t she ever here?” Semi asked. Shirabu let out a sad chuckle.

“She left as soon as she was 18, moved away with her boyfriend, cut off our whole family,  _ left _ ,” Shirabu’s voice held no malice, it instead was full of what sounded like guilt. Semi’s eyes widened in realization,  _ Shirabu had been alone for a long long time,  _ it finally made sense, his distance, his fear, his need to be independent. Semi found himself rushing forward and gathering Shirabu in his arms.

He loved him, every single part of him. From the horrendously angled bangs to the ugly snorts he gave when he found something funny. The freckles sprinkling his face to the snarky comments he gave Semi purely to rile him up.  _ He loved Shirabu Kenjirou.  _

“Semi-san-” Shirabu seemed startled, but hesitantly wrapped his arms around the other anyways. 

“I’m so sorry Kenji,” He heard a sniffle which turned to a hiccup until Shirabu was full on sobbing into Semi’s shirt. 

“Why do you have to care? How come every time I close my eyes I think you’re gonna be gone when they open? How come you’re still here?!” Shirabu’s sobs shook his entire body, raw emotion coating his voice. 

“Because Kenjirou,” Semi took in a deep breath “I am helplessly in love with you.” 

~~~

It was at that moment that Shirabu completely short circuited. Semi loosened his arms around Shirabu, pulling away.

“Shit, that was too soon, I’m sorry. That was the wrong time… Did I screw things up-” Semi was cut off when Shirabu surged forward, pressing their lips together. It was soft, and Shirabu could still feel the wet tears on his own cheeks. It tasted unmistakably like  _ Semi _ . Shirabu pulled away quickly, his face heating up to a vibrant red. He squeezed their still intertwined hands looking Semi in his chocolate brown eyes. 

“You’re beautiful,” He heard Semi murmur, pressing their foreheads together. 

“Shut up..” Shirabu said, embarrassed. 

“God you’re such a brat,” Semi reached his hands up to cup Shirabu’s jaw. 

“Yeah, but you love it,” Shirabu smiled. Semi chuckled softly. 

“You’re right, I do.” They sat in silence, Semi running his thumb across Shirabu’s cheek, wiping the tears away with a careful movement. 

“Semi?” Semi hummed in acknowledgment. “I… I love you too.” 

The rest of the night was shared together, unspoken words and soft smiles. Shirabu knew that he would hold onto the moment forever, for it was the first time he wasn’t scared.

~~~

Shirabu waited at the park, tapping his foot impatiently. He sighed with relief when Semi finally jogged up to him, flowers held aloft in his hand. 

“How dare you be late,” Shirabu teased, “And on our one year anniversary of all days!” Semi just laughed, holding out the bouquet of flowers to his boyfriend. 

“Well sorry  _ princess,  _ I was held up getting these for you,” Semi raised an eyebrow as Shirabu pulled them to his chest, inhaling the scent. 

“They’re lovely Eita,” He said softly, allowing the flowers to rest in the crook of his elbow so that he could hold out his other hand. Semi took it without a word. 

“Just like you,” Semi winked, unsubtly. Shirabu made a disgusted face.

“Bleh! So cheesy,” Though his boyfriend just laughed, swaying their hands between them. 

“I love you Kenji,” 

“I love you too,” Shirabu smiled as they shared a chaste kiss, marking the beginning of forever spent side-by-side. 

**Author's Note:**

> If you've been wondering why my on the wrong side of the sunrise updates have been late recently here is my reason. I hope everyone enjoys this emotional amalgamation of feelings. <3


End file.
